Boots.. check, backpack- check its a new day so let's carp that diem. Adios mi ambotch, as I walk out through that door- I hummed as I bid Stella farewell. Most often than not I tend to think she is among the top ten people who wish me well in my endeavors. For those of you who do not know Stella, she shall feature in a Cameo soon Inshallah.
Enter our narrator for the day, I call him JackHE Maribe- no relations. Usually, I do not document these tales, but my wife(number 8) insisted that I should try and write down my Taxified tales because she felt that I had too many of them flying around or maybe she just wanted to shut me up hmmmm😏. Wait I just realized that the above statement has disqualified me from a bunch of chicas that want a man who drives. Oh well, I digress. Aluta?
So anyway, I sit down, look at and reach for the free daily that was occupying the front seat. I tend to ride shotgun coz that's where all the action is of course unless you are in a limo, drunk and not alone. Flip through the pages, and obviously, this Jowie story is all the daily's are talking about.
*Deep sigh*
"I really pity these two," I burst out to my compadre.
He looks at the paper then he goes, " I feel for Maribe I have been in her shoes, I know what she is going through."
At this point, I could hear that caramel popcorn already flying towards me like the Mjolnir when thor summons it.
Circa: 2001
Location: Kisumu
Enter JackHE Maribe(No Relation) Abbrv: JM
It was just an ordinary day for my niccuh JM, all was well the tilapia were swimming, hyacinth growing, Omera flossing- just your typical day in Kisumu until he was called in for this sweet deal. These two hombres approached him for a quick sale for this Toyota 110 that was so fresh and so clean- Andre 3000 might have sung about it, but that's subject to confirmation. It was an emergency, and they needed the cash ASAP and word on the shores was my niccuh JM was in car shopping.
Being quite the opportunist, JM did not sleep on ears( as the millennials would call it). He quickly jumped onto that deal like a hillbilly who has just seen an abandoned Mountain Dew truck.
JM put forth his offer of Ksh 450,000 with an initial downpayment of 250,000 balance upon transfer of logbook. The two men reluctantly agreed to the said deal only because they were "desperate" and put it down on writing. JM was quite happy with himself as he had just made a killing and what better way to celebrate than to take this baby out for a spin?
All was good in the hood and JM decided to put his newly acquired Toyo into the taxi business, well this was the plan, but clearly, that's not how the world works.
Dinner time at JM's house at around 8:00 in the pm- Just him and his wife. The door gets broken down, and a mob of cops comes flying in. < Insert broken Swahili with a Kalenjin accent>
Enter: Inspector O'Mwala Abbrv: IO
"Give us your guns, a list of your accomplices and the whereabouts of the loot you and your crew have been stealing," echoed the one who looked like he was in command. At this point, my niccuh JM has hung like those VCD's you'd buy from hawkers in town, and no amount of Ctrl+Alt+Del would have saved him. Apparently, IO and his crew had been trailing him for five days now.
I am telling you at this point in life JM was more confused than Noah after he woke up naked and hangovered after his "grape juice" mistake.
So the plot had thickened- 😎51*101 😎. JM's Toyo had been stolen in Nairobi, plates changed and then sold to him. Alas, JM now was a wanted criminoo...
JM was arrested and put behind bars. OI indicated in his report that he had apprehended the dangerous thug who had stolen the Toyo, the Lancer whose plates had been used on the Toyo and also committed all the felonies that were associated with the said plate. Simply put my niccuh JM was f*ucked- well maybe not yet 😂.
As the Almighty had decided that JM would be a textbook example of the famous Murphy's law, he made sure he went overboard with the examples and the demos.
JM started using up all his finances, liquidating his assets trying to raise money because these lawyers needed to get paid and he needed to be free. But like I said, Murphy's law was at play- my former niccuh now bro, because- pain and of course at this point am feeling all emoshonoo, had to lose everything.
Exit wife, close friends, and family.
Am telling you at this point I am on that Velvex tissue like am a Chandarian ( Manu would have adopted my broke ass). JM had lost it all. Having no cash to pay lawyers his fellow inmates taught him the ropes. Apparently, Cliff Ombeta and Fred Ojiambo have nothing on these inmates. JM told me how he studied criminal law while in prison from his fellow inmates, represented himself argued out his case and regained his freedom.
At this point, my ride was coming to an end, and my bro JM had to sum up the story, and this was his parting shot;
"My friend, jela sio poa he he he heri ukose kila kitu but be free!"
- JM
and that brings us to the end of today's TAXIFIED.
*P.S for Y'all who are wondering if I asked JM if he was ass fucked in prison - I did!
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