Part 1: Limbo
There are two types of women
every descendant of Adam will someday encounter;
1. The
girl you want to introduce to mum and to all your friends
2. The
‘I
don’t care I choose this one and I will die with my choice’
girl
Now, in most cases the second
type is usually a big mistake. Like huuuuge mistake but, who am I to come in
the way of love? <Enter Cupid>
So, this life has no manual but I
tend to think at times the gods who spin the strands of time have a sense of
humor that would definitely not fill up alliance Francaise (sorry I do not have
the tech know-how to put that dancing thing under the ‘c’
in Francaise.. but nevertheless, #jesuisdancingthing no? moving on)if they ever
decided to go commercial. Why? Because nobody prepped this watermelon junkie
#noKalonzo for what was about to go down.
This story starts like any other
love story- Boy meets girl, boy falls
for girl, boy promises girl everything and anything, boy makes a personal vow
to quit hoe because hoe was life but now girl is > hoe so basically boy decides he must get this girl. Sigh, how
I wish this was the case. Trust me people this script was something Quentin
Tarantino would definitely fall for.
This is how it begins; boy saw
girl, boy’s life ends. Yes I know.. confusing. That was the intent. But
as brief as that sounds that is how the synopsis would read. Since I got you
this far, I might as well share this story of confusion because Harambe didn’t
die for this (all protocols observed).
Now, for the sake of protecting
identities I shall introduce two characters;
a)
Chandy
LaBouche; female- oats aficionado
b)
Charlie
Bob “the Bandit” ; male – watermelon connoisseur
*disclaimer: the above names are not in any context pornstar names.
Lucky were our fathers and fore
fathers for they were taught how to deal with cupid situation. Us ninjas
though, all we have is the Internet, doctor love and once in a while Maurice
Matheka who will be telling you how you can make your girl squirt rather that
how to love her! Tsk! 21st century relationship counselors –
we are doomed. Charlie Bob “the Bandit” was defo not prepared for what was to
happen to him. It was your ordinary work day, a weekend, mood lazy, the month
was at 90 degrees (what laymen call mwezi iko kwa corner) in short that day was
not a good day for science #dexterknowsbest. Everyone was looking forward to
going home until the call came in <enter Whiskey Bob>. It was Whiskey
Bob, the man with the grand master plan. He needed some work done and they
needed the cash. They showed up at the rendezvous and just like that the story
begins.. begins.. begins.<insert Jay Z’s voice>
She stood there like in her red
dress looking DDG (drop dead gorgeous- memorize these abbreviations).
Breathtaking she was, like the sunsets of Watamu. Her eyes, clearly they were not just for
seeing and stuff I think that they also had a hidden agenda- to mess a nigga
up. Which I must say, they did successfully if not flawlessly. Guys, meet
Chandy LaBouche the most beautiful woman Charlie Bob “the Bandit”
had ever seen-to date. She had fallen into the first category (allude to the
types of women) by naturalization and just like that his life goals changed
from being a multi-billionaire-super entrepreneur- super producer- super DJ to
I HAVE TO TALK TO HER. Yes folk and just like that Charlie Bob “the
Bandit” moved from Samson to Kamau wa Njenga real quick. He was weak
in the knees, heart and soul though there is a strong possibility his bladder
too had fallen <insert Morgan Freeman’s voice>.
Like a high school student determined
to sneak, nothing was going to deter this young chap from meeting his goal. She
was calm and composed stunning in every form almost like a product someone had
made in a lab- zero errors I tell you no exaggeration #hyperboleforwho. This
woman was hotter that the chilly Tobaso sauces put in their meals heck, she was
hotter than all the nine circles Dante went through and Charlie Bob “the
Bandit” was ready for this quest. He managed to sneak in a convo
though the circumstances were formal but he succeeded in his goal nevertheless –
talk to her.
He was a happy man but now he
lacked goals in life. He chose not to live such a life for in these
meme-eat-meme-world a man without goals AF is no man at all and since his momma
raised no quitter, Charlie Bob “the Bandit” got new goals- “make her mine”.
He looked at his goals and smiled, for in the words of the blanket-and-winers
his goals were lit AF.
Charlie Bob “the
Bandit” served a living God and his grace was in his favour, the job
that Whiskey Bob needed done was by extension something that Chandy LaBouche
needed done. That is how Charlie Bob “the Bandit” managed to get her number. Short term
goal achieved.
He texted once..
She ignored
He texted again
She ignored.. again
He tried one last time
She ignored…
<insert Oliver Quinn’s
voice> he had failed this city- technically not the city for we all know the
city belonged to Kidero, but I'm sure you catch the drift.
Was he now among the category of
those in the friendzone?- the forgotten majority. The hopefuls or is it
hopefools? Like I said his momma didn’t
raise no quitter. And just like that he was back stronger and more driven than LeBron’s hairline. He changed his strategy who knew, maybe she was an
iHub babe who was into digital men- so ;
He Whatsapped her <enter new
tech>
At this point he knew Mohammed
Ali was staring down at him while shouting down at Iscariot- real men don’t
quit as Harambe cheered on. Ous. <insert the voice of Shaolin fantastic>
Like I said, he served a living
God. She replied.
Good thing he was not the
president for that very day would have been a national holiday. They started
talking. She definitely lived up to his judgment- calm and composed. She had
had many men try what he was trying, Solomon was right nothing new under the
sun, but he knew he was different because his goals were lit AF and you never
go wrong with lit goals especially if the AF is part of it. From the beginning
their conversations never ended. They’d talk for hours and hours about
anything and everything. This was heaven. Or was it?
They planned to have a date.. he
was elated. He had told his mother she would have a daughter-in-law it was
written in the stars his ancestors had foretold of a union.
<insert time lapse>
It was June 6th 1944
all over again. D-day was upon us and yes indeed it was upon us.
She stood him up.. he sat there
confused head held high.. but confused.
